Second Year of Blogging: The Brutal Truth

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This is a post on my second blogiversary. Simple? Well literally speaking yes, but the backstory is a tad bit more complex than that. But let’s not get into that just yet. Last year, I had lots of ideas round this time – my first blogiversary – and wrote two posts about the celebration: My 1st Year of Blogging in Numbers and What I’ve Learnt during my First Year of Blogging. It was, for me, all sunshine and rainbows because look for far I’d come! From very few views to hundreds of them every month!

This year round, I decided to take a slightly different route.

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Should I go back to studying…?

This is something I have been thinking about for a few weeks now…

Should I go back to studying?
Or should I stick to my work?

These are subjects I would definitely give up my full-time job for given the opportunity:

  • Film studies
  • Criminology
  • Psychology
  • Journalism

The downside of actually studying one of the above is that they might not be offered at part-time, or I’d have to have certain subjects and/or degrees and sit for the course as a post-grad student, something will probably never happen in this lifetime.

Another thing that worries me is the money. Books, resources, photocopies and such are very expensive, and if I have to leave my job, then I would have to start a new job as a part-timer and work in the weekends or evenings (if time is permitted).

I recently researched part-time courses offered in the evenings on the MCAST website (MCAST, for the foreigners, stands for Malta College of Arts, Science and Technology). I found some really interesting ones, but the one that aught my eye is Filmmaking: An Introduction. Why filmmaking though? Aren’t I an LSA? And haven’t I done a 10-week course for said job? Why yes I did, but I want to expand my knowledge of films further. It’s why I did the 10-week course and the Mental Health First Aid in the first place: to learn new things.

I am currently also learning a totally different language: German! I only knew very few words, but now I can say basic words and greetings! And can understand a little too! I am super proud of myself… the FIFTH language I am learning! I actually might do an exam for it when I’m ready.


So the rant is over, thank you for listening (well, for reading). This is a reminder to all of you to follow your dreams. Do NOT let anyone – parents, friends, strangers – tell you what you should or should not do with YOUR life.

AAAAAAAAND that’s it for me! Take care and spread peace XXXXX

“It’s what I want to do.”

I have probably said this sentence so many times in my life that I actually do not know if it – whatever ‘it’ could be – actually is what I want to do.

Hello everyone, sorry for the absence. I’ve been having some few thoughts on what I want to do with my life… is it too soon for a 23-year old to have an existential crisis?

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I’m Sorry

I know those two words seem small, and they actually are. They are nothing more than seven letters, but I don’t know where else to start. So I’ll start with:

I’m sorry.

There are, obviously, things I am not and can never be sorry for. I’m not sorry for my illness. It’s something beyond my control; it is a physical disorder as much as it is a mental one. But I am sorry for the years I’ve wasted feeling sorry for myself. I’m sorry for the years I’ve tried to hide my illness, to keep it a secret.

I’ve pushed you away, though you never knew why. You may not have even realized I was doing it, but there were cancelled plans and social gatherings I forced myself to go to, resentfully and begrudgingly.. even just recently.

It wasn’t your fault. I was too broken to hold it all together, but because I was also too scared to tell you the truth, I would just sit there, forcing an awkward smile and some bland conversation. I would excuse myself from social events and I would withdraw to a corner and watch while you laughed and had a ball.

You thought I was a buzzkill (and you were right), but what I’m most sorry and hurt for is that you thought I was too good for you. But that was never the case. The truth is I wanted to be happy. I wanted nothing more than to laugh beside you and enjoy myself the way you do, but I felt disconnected. Sure, there are moments of happiness and joy, but most of my life is about just getting by. So instead of pretending, I pulled away.

I’m sorry for not being present, for not celebrating your successes and joys. Please know I wanted to, but sometimes the pain held me back — the pain of seeing everything I wanted but would never have, could never have. It’s selfish, I know, but I didn’t know how to handle it.

I’m sorry for the times my temper has been short, and you’ve been the recipient of my rage. Anger has been the most unexpected symptom of my sickness. When I was a teenager, and even now in my 20s, my depression was marked by melancholy. But as the years passed, the symptoms shifted. It’s the anger I cannot ignore and scares me.

And I’m sorry for all this.

It’s embarrassing and scary to admit you need help, to admit you are not OK. You know once you let your secret out you’ll have no choice but to follow through with therapy. You’ll have to talk to friends and family about your illness, even when you don’t want to. You know you can’t close the curtains and hide anymore, and that thought is terrifying. God knows how scared shitless I was, which is why it took me over ten years to seek treatment.

Sometimes, we “find the light” and make it out. I have, but depression is a lifelong disease, and may return, guaranteed. There is nothing I can do to stop it. The only thing I can control is how I handle it when it does. And for me, handling it means not hiding from it.

So, to everyone entangled in this mess with me, I’m sorry. I never wanted to hurt you or drag you into this nightmare I call my life. I love you for standing by me, and hope you still can.

Get to Know Me: 100th Post Special!

Greeting my Internet friends! (and viewers, and crawlers, and trolls!). This is officially my 100th post! Throw that confetti and pop the champagne! Woo Hoooooooo! I have already done a get to know me post, but I decided to add more questions which are as weird as this girl writing them so, yeah… this is the turnout! Read on!

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Working in Education

For those who do not know, I work in the Education industry as what most people call a Specialist Teacher. In my country, we are called LSAs, an abbreviation for Learning Support Assistant. This summer, I worked for the first time as a Child Support Worker during summer school.

In case you were wondering, no, this isn’t my first job, and haven’t been doing this for long. In fact, I only started in late January of last year. So I’m not really an expert in this area, but I’m willing to give you a lowdown on what it’s like to work in education.

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