Things need to change

This is more of a personal post where I just rant about how I’m feeling. I have already done this rant with a few people, and yet, I don’t feel better.

So as some of you may know, I will now be working in a different school this scholastic year, and… things are not going too well. I know, I’ve only been to this place once, yesterday, for four hours, but something seemed off.

The moment I entered the school, I felt like I was suffocated even though it was three if not four times the size of the other school I worked with. I got there before most of the staff, so there weren’t that many people – only a handful – around. I was so lost, it took me a solid twenty minutes to find someone to direct me towards where I needed to go. Their response? “I don’t know where you [I’m an LSA] usually stay since you don’t have your own room.”

I’m sorry, Teacher, but am I not part of your college/school/staff team? Can’t I, a newbie, barely half an hour into her first day of work, stay with you for five minutes? Or at least until someone gets here?

Then, when people finally started showing up, I only recognised two persons: a teacher that used to teach me in secondary school (all we exchanged was a ‘hi’ and ‘we were in the same school together!’), and n SA who was in the same course as me in the beginning of the year. Did this LSA talk to me? No. I assume she didn’t even recognise me (I have this thing where I recognise people who don’t return the gesture).

During the first meeting, I sat alone. Nobody came to sit in the seat next to me. Quite reassuring. The staff members behind me kept bickering and commenting on every single thing that was said. Really puts a stamp on some people huh. Oh, and the man in front of me pushed his chair back to my knees, leaving me with no space to move my feet at all, and when I brought this to his attention, he frowned and ignored me. Three times I asked him, and very politely, and three times he ignored me. Could I have moved? No, because others put their stuff on the empty chairs.

You can get a jist of how I feel right now.

Out of place. Sad. Frustrated. Anxious.

I don’t love it here, yet I don’t hate it here. Will these feelings change? I sure as hell hope so because this is the first time I cried after a first day of anything. Ever. In the last job, as soon as I entered the building, I felt so right at home, every single day. Of course, the place came with a few downfalls, but they didn’t affect me that much. Not as much as here anyways.

Why the title “Things need to change”? Because it’s obvious: I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t like it in this place. I cannot ask for a transfer because apparently I need to pay for that. I cannot quit because it is what I want to do. I have no other thing to do than pretend to be okay when I’m not at this point.

 

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REVIEW: Holler and Glow purrfect pedi Sock Mask

Why hello there! Hope your September is going good like mine so far! I have two weeks until I start my new job, so I have some time to kill… which I can do by reviewing some products! So sit back and enjoy the fails!

Today we will be reviewing the
Holler and Glow purrfect pedi Sock Mask

which I got from Primark at just £4.

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I’m Sorry

I know those two words seem small, and they actually are. They are nothing more than seven letters, but I don’t know where else to start. So I’ll start with:

I’m sorry.

There are, obviously, things I am not and can never be sorry for. I’m not sorry for my illness. It’s something beyond my control; it is a physical disorder as much as it is a mental one. But I am sorry for the years I’ve wasted feeling sorry for myself. I’m sorry for the years I’ve tried to hide my illness, to keep it a secret.

I’ve pushed you away, though you never knew why. You may not have even realized I was doing it, but there were cancelled plans and social gatherings I forced myself to go to, resentfully and begrudgingly.. even just recently.

It wasn’t your fault. I was too broken to hold it all together, but because I was also too scared to tell you the truth, I would just sit there, forcing an awkward smile and some bland conversation. I would excuse myself from social events and I would withdraw to a corner and watch while you laughed and had a ball.

You thought I was a buzzkill (and you were right), but what I’m most sorry and hurt for is that you thought I was too good for you. But that was never the case. The truth is I wanted to be happy. I wanted nothing more than to laugh beside you and enjoy myself the way you do, but I felt disconnected. Sure, there are moments of happiness and joy, but most of my life is about just getting by. So instead of pretending, I pulled away.

I’m sorry for not being present, for not celebrating your successes and joys. Please know I wanted to, but sometimes the pain held me back — the pain of seeing everything I wanted but would never have, could never have. It’s selfish, I know, but I didn’t know how to handle it.

I’m sorry for the times my temper has been short, and you’ve been the recipient of my rage. Anger has been the most unexpected symptom of my sickness. When I was a teenager, and even now in my 20s, my depression was marked by melancholy. But as the years passed, the symptoms shifted. It’s the anger I cannot ignore and scares me.

And I’m sorry for all this.

It’s embarrassing and scary to admit you need help, to admit you are not OK. You know once you let your secret out you’ll have no choice but to follow through with therapy. You’ll have to talk to friends and family about your illness, even when you don’t want to. You know you can’t close the curtains and hide anymore, and that thought is terrifying. God knows how scared shitless I was, which is why it took me over ten years to seek treatment.

Sometimes, we “find the light” and make it out. I have, but depression is a lifelong disease, and may return, guaranteed. There is nothing I can do to stop it. The only thing I can control is how I handle it when it does. And for me, handling it means not hiding from it.

So, to everyone entangled in this mess with me, I’m sorry. I never wanted to hurt you or drag you into this nightmare I call my life. I love you for standing by me, and hope you still can.

Banggood.com MINI HAUL!

Hello my beautiful friends! Today is a very exciting day because I have received a few packages from my friends at Banggood.com! As you may remember, a while ago, I put together my own Wishlist in collaboration with this website.

My order was placed sometime around 29th August, and all arrived today together, which is not a bad waiting time considering they’re from a completely different continent! Everything was wrapped up securely, nothing came broken, but on top of all, the communication and customer service with the staff was extremely good. They were helpful and answered any questions and queries I had.

Let’s take a look at the list!

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21 Quick & Healthy Breakfasts for Busy Mornings

Another article I wrote for Comino Magazine – follow us there and like our Facebook page for more!

Comino Magazine - Influencers

Admit it: there are many mornings where all we do is force ourselves out of bed and grab a fistful of cereal or a crappy granola bar on our way out the door. A quick breakfast sure, but that doesn’t mean we should settle for a sugar rush that will leave us either sad or hungry.
You’d be surprised how many healthy breakfasts there are that require very little effort. Expand your horizons and try these healthy snack options to satisfy those breakfast food cravings all day long. The best part about these dishes are that they can also be adapted for vegetarians and vegans! So let’s get cooking!

Nut Butter, Banana, and Chia Seed Toast

Try this twist on classic PB and toast with ½ a sliced banana and a sprinkle of chia, which is packed with vitamins and minerals.

Berry and Yoghurt Smoothie

Here’s a simple smoothie for the…

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