This is more of a personal post where I just rant about how I’m feeling. I have already done this rant with a few people, and yet, I don’t feel better.
So as some of you may know, I will now be working in a different school this scholastic year, and… things are not going too well. I know, I’ve only been to this place once, yesterday, for four hours, but something seemed off.
The moment I entered the school, I felt like I was suffocated even though it was three if not four times the size of the other school I worked with. I got there before most of the staff, so there weren’t that many people – only a handful – around. I was so lost, it took me a solid twenty minutes to find someone to direct me towards where I needed to go. Their response? “I don’t know where you [I’m an LSA] usually stay since you don’t have your own room.”
I’m sorry, Teacher, but am I not part of your college/school/staff team? Can’t I, a newbie, barely half an hour into her first day of work, stay with you for five minutes? Or at least until someone gets here?
Then, when people finally started showing up, I only recognised two persons: a teacher that used to teach me in secondary school (all we exchanged was a ‘hi’ and ‘we were in the same school together!’), and n SA who was in the same course as me in the beginning of the year. Did this LSA talk to me? No. I assume she didn’t even recognise me (I have this thing where I recognise people who don’t return the gesture).
During the first meeting, I sat alone. Nobody came to sit in the seat next to me. Quite reassuring. The staff members behind me kept bickering and commenting on every single thing that was said. Really puts a stamp on some people huh. Oh, and the man in front of me pushed his chair back to my knees, leaving me with no space to move my feet at all, and when I brought this to his attention, he frowned and ignored me. Three times I asked him, and very politely, and three times he ignored me. Could I have moved? No, because others put their stuff on the empty chairs.
You can get a jist of how I feel right now.
Out of place. Sad. Frustrated. Anxious.
I don’t love it here, yet I don’t hate it here. Will these feelings change? I sure as hell hope so because this is the first time I cried after a first day of anything. Ever. In the last job, as soon as I entered the building, I felt so right at home, every single day. Of course, the place came with a few downfalls, but they didn’t affect me that much. Not as much as here anyways.
Why the title “Things need to change”? Because it’s obvious: I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t like it in this place. I cannot ask for a transfer because apparently I need to pay for that. I cannot quit because it is what I want to do. I have no other thing to do than pretend to be okay when I’m not at this point.